12/17/2004 10:19:00 AM   [ link ]

I will build a better one.

For the longest time, I was ashamed.

When I started this website, I was sad, but I felt justified about being sad. It felt normal, and I knew that I only needed time and cathartic writing and late night conversations in order to get past the sadness.

Later on, I was heartbroken again, only this time it didn't seem normal or justified at all. I felt stupid for caring in the first place, and I felt ashamed for still caring even after months had gone by. I stopped writing. It doesn't help to write about feelings that you are ashamed of. I wanted to hide my feelings from the world and pretend like everything was ok. Sometimes I did a good job of pretending, but mostly not.

So I kept my secret, but most of all I wanted to keep it away from him. Somehow, I felt like if he knew how much he hurt me, that would be the ultimate humiliation. But secrets are no good, and I've got to come clean.

You hurt me. How could you have pretended not to notice that I was falling for you? How could you in good conscience have waited so long to tell me that you weren't actually serious about me? How could you have been so cruel as to leave me with the hope that someday, when your life was a little less crazy, maybe then you'd want to be with me? You know, I always wanted to ask you "Is it that you don't want a serious relationship right now, or is it that you don't want a serious relationship with me?" But I never asked, because I already knew the answer and I didn't want to hear it.

I'm still embarassed about all of this. Part of me secretly hopes that he will never read it. God, how crazy and unstable must I sound? But it doesn't matter, because the only way to stop being ashamed about how I felt for so long is to come clean.

I decided a year ago that I wanted to be happy again. 8 months ago, something clicked and it actually started working. 5 months ago I fell in love. All that's left now is a lingering shame that once, a long time ago, I gave my heart away foolishly, and it took me far too long to prevail against my heartbreak. It's time for this old dusty skeleton to be banished; I don't want it poking its bony finger into the happiness I've built for myself. I'm not gonna let it fuck things up.